Thursday, September 27, 2012

SOS! Select our Specs!

My biggest weaknesses are public speaking, being on time for anything, and picking out a pair of glasses that don't look horrible on me. I get all kinds of comments on the rare occasion that I wear my glasses. Things like, "No offense, but you look better without glasses." Nine out of ten times when a child sees me with glasses on I get a comment. And not a good one. That's how you really know you're just not rockin your glasses correctly.

Part of the problem, for me at least, is the process of shopping for glasses. I consider myself to be at least somewhat stylish. I have a pretty good grasp of what looks good on me clothing wise. But until recently, glasses and fashion were mutually exclusive. You went to the eye doctor (the doctor. Not the mall. Unless you were at lens crafters or something, in which case you were likely near a mall in some capacity) you got your exam, you were ushered into the wall o' glasses where you had a couple minutes to choose a pair of glasses. None of which were cool. True story: last time I got new glasses I spent almost an hour trying on different pairs, and the receptionist chick informed me that I had been trying on children's glasses the whole time. That's what I'm working with here. I'm just not good at this.

So I need your help! I stumbled upon an incredible site, Warby Parker that 1) ONLY has cool glasses, 2) lets you pick your favorites and borrow them for a week. The benefits are many - you get to test drive these frames. You can wear them around and see what people think. You can test drive them to see how comfortable they are. You can make sure you're not scaring children with how stupid you look in your glasses. And, you get to elicit opinions from all you friends, which I am about to do. You win, they win, everybody wins. It's genius, really.

Enough talking. Pick out my new glasses! Sorry about the lighting. My sincerest apologies for making you work in such terrible conditions.Please, (PLEASE!) vote for the glasses you think I should get. Leave it in the comments, leave it on my Facebook, call me and tell me... whatever. I just need your help.

Option F: give it up, Kate. Stop forcing it and stick to your contacts.

My mom says I look like Droopy Dog (the old Looney Tunes dog) in Option D. Upon Googling, I saw that Droopy Dog doesn't even wear glasses. I can always count on her to make me feel good about myself!

Thanks for all your help, guys! I owe you one!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Who reads this shit anyway?

I try not to talk about Kid A constantly because there was a time in my life not too long ago when I was not a parent, and therefore not really interested in hearing about some baby's every move. That being said, this kid does things on a daily basis that make me laugh almost to the point of tears. One thing I should add here is that this is a story about farts. Mr. F is not a fan, and I would argue that I might be farting's biggest fan. I don't think a day will come where I don't think farts are funny. We make a great couple. I guess This proves the old "opposites attract" theory. And thus ends our science discussion for the day.

Let's get down to the real business. I'll warn you again. If you think farts are gross, and you don't want to read about me farting, take a hike and come back next time.

I was washing dishes after a particularly messy dinner. Kid A was not in his usually great mood, and was bothering me, trying to get me to pick him up. So I was standing at the sink and he was trying to wedge himself between me and the cabinets, banging his head into my crotch and trying to push me away from the sink. His little struggle was so adorable that I just let him push me back a little bit.

I should also explain that he's been speaking a little bit of French lately. I have no idea where he got it from. He puts a "le" in front of things. As in "le fork." he's so worldly!

So there we are, me standing there trying to finish up the dishes, him head butting me in the legs, and then it happened. I farted. The head butting stopped and he walked around behind me. He poked me in the butt with his fat little finger. As he was poking, he looked up at me and said, "le poop?" "le POOP?"

Yeah. My kid thought I shit my pants. I don't think I ever laughed so hard.

Monday, September 17, 2012

If You Can't Draw a Crowd...

I might as well have given birth to Ben Folds, because in my eyes he can do no wrong. I love every piece of music he has ever put out, unconditionally. And if Ben Folds is my would-be child (I know, shit's getting weird... stick with me here) then Ben Folds Five is my refrigerator full of my kid's artwork. I love every piece equally and beyond measure.

The album's second track, Michael Praytor, opens up with that unmistakable BF5 harmony that took me right back to my high school days in the same way that certain smells have the ability to transport you back in time. I found myself cranking up the volume and singing [screaming] along even though I had yet to know the words. This is classic Ben Folds Five, people. It reminded me why I fell in love with them in the first place.

If Michael Praytor reminded me why I fell in love, Draw a Crowd reminded me why I stay in love. I loved this song in three notes. In the past week, I've listened to this song no less than 50 times, maybe or maybe not in a row. In fact, my new favorite song lyric in the whole world is now, "If you can't draw a crowd, draw dicks on the wall." In the past, Mr. F has remarked that Ben Folds/Five songs are about nothing. That comment stuck with me. Draw a Crowd might seem silly at first listen, but at its core, it's obviously not about dick graffiti. It's just an awesome way of saying, "Appreciate what you're good at." And Ben, if you're listening [you're not but let's pretend], you've always been my Stevie Wonder.

This is when it all came together for me. Hearing this album for the first time was like hanging out with an old friend. Not like a Michael Praytor, who if you listen to the song (and you should), you'll find out is one of those people who you just keep randomly running into that you don't really care about seeing, but for some reason you keep crossing paths at various stages of life. Also not at all like that one chick who was completely nuts in high school, but you somehow forgot about how nuts she was and you decided to hang out with her anyway after getting in touch with her on Facebook and then finding out all over again how incredibly insane she is and wondering how it could be possible that you could forget that much crazy. And also considering joining the witness protection program because she now knows your address. Not like that completely autobiographical story at all. It's more like running into an old friend who you haven't seen for whatever reason, and actually DOING LUNCH instead of just saying you will, and actually meaning it when you say you're so happy you got in touch and agreeing to hang out more.

And then this happened:

Stick a fork in me. I'm done. I'm not sure it's possible that I could love this band any more than I do right now.

Monday, September 10, 2012

How was your weekend? Yo Gabba Edition

After taking a little hiatus and getting my brain and feelings back in check, I'm back. And I'm ready to make this blog awesome. But for now it will just be awesome for me. I know nobody cares about what I did over the weekend, but this is my blog and I do what I want.

This weekend a friend of mine got us tickets to a Yo Gabba Gabba concert at Sesame Place. I have found in my one and a half short years of parenthood that  people either really really love it or they can't stand it. I really really REALLY love it. I think DJ Lance Rock is a musical genius. Kid A could take it or leave it, but since his mom loves it, he has to take it. Confession time: sometimes after I drop him off on my way to work I keep the YGG Pandora station on. Shut up.

We got a late start to the day, but we're all ok with that. It fit in perfectly with Kid's naptime. We started off the adventure with a visit to Elmo's World, where we saw Mr. Noodle's nephew, Mr. Noodle. I thought it was really cute, Kid A didn't seem too impressed. Especially for a kid who's obsessed with Elmo. I was surprised at his non-reaction, but I think maybe a gigantic Elmo is just a lot to take in.

After that, Mr. F took him on a ride that he was really too small to enjoy. We walked around a bit and saw the sights, and then had a seat on a shady bench to have a snack. Kid's favorite -

I knew he would have a better time in the water park. He loves swimming. So we headed over to that section of the park and hopped on the lazy river. Mr. F reminded me repeatedly that I was going to be floating around in a pool of other people's fluids, and that my reply of, "So what, there's so much chlorine in there" was invalid. But I still don't care. I'm ok with floating around in other people's pee I guess.

Me and my child in a sea of pee
After splashing around for a bit, we dried off and got changed and had some gross dinner. It was actually better than I expected food would be at Sesame Place, but still not good at all. We didn't go there for fine dining though. We ate as much as we could before getting grossed out and then Kid A was lucky enough to meet some of his favorites! If you recall from a couple weekends ago, his track record with meeting characters is not so hot. But this time it wasn't so bad!

He was actually really excited to see Bert and Ernie. And he didn't freak out at all when we got close! While I find it hilarious that he freaks out, I was happy he was pretty calm this time. I guess really big B & E make more sense to him than giant Elmo. Not pictured: meeting Cookie Monster and very mildly freaking out. He was ok at first, but then he got a good look at Cookie up close. Cookie tried to high five him, and he swatted the poor guy's hand away.

The day was winding down and the line for the YGG show stretch all the way to the back of the park. It was ok though because we got a decent view. I'm not gonna lie to you guys, I almost peed my pants when DJ Lance came out. I thought it would be some kind of imposter, but it was really him! And I was so excited! Everyone was laughing at me and my friend as we belted out the songs and danced around while our kids clearly could not have cared less about the whole thing.

It's time to DANCE!
Sorry for the crappy picture quality. I will forever be one of those jerks who thinks my iPhone makes me some kind of artsy photographer. Anyway, to end the night we caught the parade down Sesame Street. At this point in the day, Kid A was pretty warmed up to the idea of things so he was really excited.

He spotted Big Bird!
I'll leave you with that visual and a promise to start taking better quality pictures in the not too distant future. I don't normally compare my parenting to others, but for some reason I kept noticing all these moms with really high tech cameras around their necks and I felt like a failure for a minute. But then I just decided to be honest with myself. I am a horrible photographer and no $1500 piece of equipment is going to change that, so I might as well keep taking my shitty pictures with something that lets me also text my friends. And also... instagram.