Friday, October 19, 2012

Great American Hero

I love animals. Eh, not all animals. I can pretty confidently say that if I could ever get close enough to a deer I will punch it right in the face. But then, I'm also pretty sure I couldn't take a deer in a fight. I guess that's why people hunt deer with guns instead of chasing after them in the woods and wrestling them. Deer suck though. I don't even like venison but I will eat it any time it's offered to me just out of spite. And with every single chew, I think about all the beautiful flowers and plants that just never had a chance in my yard, and the fact that I can't let my poor child run around in the yard because the entire thing is a minefield of stupid deer turd piles. But pretty much all other animals are cool. I heard seals are dicks, but a seal has never been a dick to me personally, so I'm cool with seals.

Even if you're not an "animal person," I think one thing we can all agree on is that dead animals are sad, and that, generally speaking, we don't want to be responsible for the death of an animal. Except hunters, and even though I talked about hunters in every paragraph so far, this is not about hunters. I promise.

The other day, I was leaving Barnes and Noble after faithfully picking up my copy of Weird NJ (super fan! i have every issue!) when this woman started crossing the parking lot towards me, waving her arms and yelling, "Ma'am! ma'am!" I immediately tensed up, because:

1.For some reason my first thought was that she was going to try to sell me something, and I am so awkward and such a sucker that I already bought whatever it was in my mind before she even approached me.

2. I am not ma'am.

3. Why was she waving at me? She looked scared, and I didn't know if I felt like getting sucked into whatever crazy drama she had going on. I don't know CPR and I'm really no good in emergency situations. Why the hell did this lady pick me!?

By the time I made the decision to run in the opposite direction, she had already reached me, and she asked me for help. She was trying to back her SUV out of her parking spot, but there was a bird sitting by her car tire. I walked over to her car with her, and sure enough, there she was. A little tiny bird, squished up against the tire. I named her Marjorie. I still don't know why this chick picked me to save Marjorie, but what was I supposed to do? I didn't have a choice at that point. I went to my car to see if I could macguyver something into a bird saving device.

What I ended up with was the handle of a sand bucket. Whatever... YOU try making a bird saving device out of receipts, diapers and a pile of dirty gym socks! It was the best I could do.

So there I was, lying face down in the B&N parking lot in the middle of the day in my business casual attire, stretching my arm as far as I could so I could pole Marjorie with the end of the bucket handle. Bird diseases. I don't want one. At first Marj didn't move, which scared me. I figured she definitely had bird rabies and if I kept poking her she's come peck my eyes out. Then, all of a sudden, she chirped and hopped up and down, causing me and my new friend (I forget her name) to scream bloody murder and run all over the parking lot. That must have been quite a scene.

My poking made Marjorie hop towards the middle of the car, giving my new friend enough room to back out of the spot without flattening the little bird, and me enough time to get the hell out of there and eat a damn sandwich. I was so hungry! The lady took fooooreeeeeeveerrrrrr to back up, and when she did, there was cute little Marj!

tweet tweet! thanks for saving my life (maybe?)

Sadly, I didn't have all day to sit around in a parking lot and take care of a bird, so after all that I have no idea what became of little Marjorie. For all I know, the next person to pull into that parking spot could have made her into a bird pancake. But I did my good deed for the day, and when I got back to work, I got the first parking spot AND I found my missing favorite pen! THANKS MARJORIE! So the moral of the story is this: if you're having a crappy day, go outside and find an animal to rescue.

1 comment:

let's get awkward!