Thursday, November 22, 2012

A Tale of Thanksgiving Past

Every small town has one... that weird bum who you see everywhere you go. Oh, what's that? Every town does NOT have that? I just grew up in the weirdest town ever, that had SEVERAL locally famous bums that everyone still knows by name to this day? Oh. Ok then.

There was that one lady who was always wearing the reflective crossing guard vest, the guys who lived in shacks in the woods (the bum huts. obviously.) and the one I know best, Tommy D. You could see Tommy D coming a mile away. He had a very distinct strut, a purple tank top and a Hulk Hogan stache, which perfectly complemented his mullet. He could be found most of the time hanging out in front of Quik Chek, because he'd been banned from most of the stores and restaurants in town. The rest of the time, he could be found at our house. Yeaaaahhhhhhh.

See, my mom is like a weirdo magnet. She feels bad for people, which is funny to me considering she's far from the world's most sensitive person. She stuffs large bills into the town food bank's change can while everyone else is tossing in their pocket change. She befriends people that nobody else wants to deal with. It's endearing and aggravating at the same time. If you're selling it, she's buying it. My mom's awesome.

Sometimes the result of her charity is that you end up having Thanksgiving dinner with the town's most annoying bum. And let me tell you, turkey and stuffing just tastes better when it's served alongside prison tales and some extra salty language. You're probably gonna have to take my word on that, because I guaratee you'll never end up in this situation.

This guy used to randomly show up all the time. We'd see him strutting up the street, stopping across from our house. Sometimes you had enough time to hide before he got up the driveway. But when you and your extended family are sitting down to a giant Thanksgiving spread, there's not a whole lot you can do to pretend you're not home. We watched him bob up the driveway. He knocked his familiar obnoxious knock, and next thing I know I'm eating my Thanksgiving dinner next to the guy that every single person in my class made fun of for as long as I can remember. Crazy Tommy D. And he didn't disappoint. He dropped N-bombs in front of my grandparents. He ate with his fingers and chewed with his mouth open. He had food all over his face. It was glorious.

This guy would just not leave us alone, and it was becaue my mom was the only person in town who would talk to him. He dropped by all the time. I never suspected he would show up on Thanksgiving, but I guess with Tommy D, there's no surprise too big. He's a renegade. Eventually, my dad figured out a way to get rid of him once and for all. He loaned him $20. Never saw the guy again.

1 comment:

let's get awkward!