|image via: onlyfatrabbit.tubmlr.com|
Ah, the Elf on the Shelf. This big-brothery snitch has such a wide range of effects on people. There are the very enthusiastic Elf lovers whose creepy little elves bring their kids Lexuses (Lexi?) with giant bows and knit them brand new sweaters overnight. There are the people who fall in the high-middle range, getting their elves into more easily attainable mischief like having it spray shaving cream all over their bathroom mirror or spill flour all over their kitchen. (Wait, what? Why??) I’m no scientist and I kind of suck at math, but if I had to guess I’d say most people fall into the lower-middle range of moving the elf to a different room some nights, and on a lot of nights, forgetting to move it at all. (If you’re wondering, my scientific research method was based on typing “forgot to” into Google’s search bar – the top auto-complete result was “forgot to move elf on the shelf.” So don’t feel bad about it, people! Everybody's doing it!)
As for me, I sit comfortably in a place that’s not even on the scale. I hate the Elf on the Shelf so much that I don’t even find the pictures of elves doing questionable shit funny. You know, like getting their asses licked by the family dog or selling drugs to the kids’ action figures. I mean I guess it's funny, but... eh. I can’t even explain why I dislike the Elf on the Shelf so much, I just do.** I can’t hate on the elf enthusiasts though, because I’m a crafty mofo myself a lot of the time so if I did get in on this elf business, I’d probably teeter between that high-middle range and forgetting to move the thing all the time.
That’s why I want to help all you parents out there who might feel like you’re struggling at the back of the pack of Elf parents out there. Can’t keep up? Kids crapping on you because little Glittertits hasn’t moved in a week? Fear not! I bring you…
Five Excuses You Can Use When You Forget To Move Your Elf on the Shelf!
“Sparkleturd saw what you did and now she’s on strike.”
That's it. That's all you say. Don’t ever, under any circumstances, say what it was your kids “did,” obviously. Keep them on their toes. You might even get a confession out of them if you’re lucky.
“What are you talking about? Jingledouche DID move! Are you losing your mind?”
Just make your kids believe they’re going crazy. I mean, they believe this toy has been sneaking around their house breaking all their shit while they’re sleeping, how hard can it be to trick them into thinking they’re going off the deep end?
“Santa’s evil nemesis came in and planted a bomb in Fairycrotch last night. If she moves, even a tiny bit, our house will explode.”
That should cover you for the rest of Elf season. Go get a beer.
“It had more important things to do last night, honey. Like watch tv. Roseanne reruns.”
This will help your kids to realize that everybody can’t be “on” all the time. Give the damn elf a break already.
“It’s Dead. I’m sorry.”
This is ballsy parenting, people. This one pulls double, even TRIPLE duty. It takes care of your excuse for not moving it, you get to teach your kids a valuable lesson in coping with loss, and you also get to get rid of the elf for good! Flex your crafting muscles for extra closure, moms. I’m sure there are plenty of ideas out there on Pinterest that you can use for an elf funeral. I suggest giving Tiny Cookiefarts a proper Viking burial: light it on fire and flush it down the toilet. But not if you have a septic tank. That’s just flirting with disaster.
*Disclaimer: I really do think the Elf on the Shelf is kind of cute, and I do appreciate the efforts (small or large) all my parent friends put in to make their kids’ Christmas season a little more magical. I promise.
**Possible reasons I hate the Elf on the Shelf:
My kid is still too young to grasp the concept of blackmail
I’m jealous that I didn’t think of it first
I'm too traditional and I fear change
It has a weird face