More like Swag Ho Tuesday, huh? But apparently nobody noticed anyway. Either that or you guys don’t know your days of the week, in which case I suggest you go pick yourself up a copy of TheRainbow Dictionary. Well, if you don’t care, then I don’t. I’m phoning it in this week anyway, so joke’s on you! I passed out on the couch last night at 8:30 after carrying 30-something pounds of Kid A up and down a mountain, and I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was on me because now I can't do things like lift my arms or breathe. Also, in bad decisions of the month, I was wearing flip flops when I did it, so that was dumb. So that’s why this post is late. Sorry!
And now, without further ado, I bring you this week’s swag! Try not to pee your pants with excitement! I’ll be honest, I’m quickly running out of free stuff to talk about. If anybody wants to keep me rolling in free shit so I can make fun of it every week, please don’t hesitate to contact me. If you need further proof that I’m running out of material, consider this week’s free swag: a corn stalk.
Are you confused? So was I.
I think one thing you need to know before I explain the rest is that my hatred of deer cannot be matched, except by that of my husband. Nobody hates deer more than Mr. F and I do. When we’re driving down the street and we see those giant fleabag rats grazing in people’s yards, we like to slow down and yell insults at them. “Go away, deer! Nobody likes you!” and “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE, deer!” are a few of the things you might hear us yelling out of our car windows. It seems Kid A has picked up our deer hate too. And to that I say, high five, kid. You’re damn right deer suck!
Aside from the fact that deer are ugly gross parasites that spread disease across the land, deer are also assholes because they eat all my plants. We can’t have nice flowers and plants in our yard. As soon as they get planted, no matter what kind of stuff we spray on them or how much hair or pee we put around them (we’ve tried everything) the deer chew it down to stumps. And a lot of the time they look us right in the eye while they're doing it, too. Even if we're throwing rocks at them. See? Assholes!
Wanna know who doesn’t hate deer? Our neighbor. He does hate things like maintaining his property and putting pants on when he goes outside to smoke. But that’s not relevant to the story. What’s relevant is that he leaves piles of corn out for the deer to eat. As if they’re having a hard time getting a meal with all that expensive landscaping in our yard. I figured that out when I was mowing the lawn and I started noticing corn cobs all over the place. It took me a while to put my finger on why my yard was always covered in random corn cobs, but then I got it when I was walking past his yard one day and I saw the pile.
So that’s how it came to be that I went out to get the mail one day and I noticed a six foot high corn stalk growing out of our lawn. I don’t really know what to think. Actually, I had a lot of thoughts. First, I wondered how the hell it took me so long to notice a giant corn stalk. Then I was surprised that the deer haven’t eaten it by now. I also was amazed that corn grew in my presence, because I’ve been known to have a black thumb. Then I thought about cutting it down, but now I really just want to see if real corn grows out of it, and if we can eat it.
So… I guess thanks? Thanks for the free corn, neighbor?