Monday, August 19, 2013

Swag Ho Monday: Furniture (Junk) Restoration

Does it count as swag if you dragged it out of the garbage? I say it does, and I make the rules around here. It was free, so there. I pulled this beaut off the curb last week. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it as soon as I drove by and then threw my car in reverse to get another look at it. 

 It really is just as shitty as it looks, and it smelled just how you think it smelled. The wood under this fancy orange paint is just crap, and the back was a rotting piece of plywood. I had this idea that I wanted to cover it in book pages because that's what I'm into these days.

Last week, I made some flowers out of book pages for my soon to be cousin-in-law’s bridal shower. I looked through my book collection to see if I could find one that I wouldn’t mind shredding, and the worst book ever written was an obvious choice: Twilight. What a piece of crap that book is, am I right, people? It’s an embarrassment to literature. That’s why I didn’t mind, and even kind of enjoyed, ripping pages out of it and giving them a better life as objets d’art. 

Yeah, I speak French now.

This bookshelf was going to be for Kid A, though. I considered it carefully and decided I didn’t want a bookshelf coated in the worst shame ever to the art of writing living in his room with him. If I was going to glue pages of Twilight to the thing, I might as well just throw it back out onto the curb.

That’s when I had the idea to cover the bookshelf in pages of children’s books. Genius! There’s an awesome used book store in the town where I grew up, and I made a visit over the weekend. I picked up so many great books that I knew and loved as a kid. But then I came face to face with a new problem.

HOW could I ruin these books???
I couldn’t cut these books up! I was standing in the store with my arms full of books, and all of a sudden I felt really Hitlery. 

Then I had another genius idea that immediately made me feel better. I’d cover it in comic book pages! YES!!! Perfect! I called Mr. F to ask him if he had any comic books he’d be willing to spare. He was not in the mood for my shenanigans though. I think he’s getting a little sick of my stray furniture habit, honestly. Back to square one.

The other option, which was kind of what I was imagining in the first place while I was shamelessly shoving this garbage into the back of my car, was to cover it in vintage-looking book pages. Enter, The Rainbow Dictionary.

This book is the shit, you guys. It was exactly perfect for what I was looking to do. It was $3, it’s chock full of retro illustrations in primary colors, and on top of all that, it is a freakin trip. Also, I did not feel a weird emotional attachment to it, so I was totally okay with ripping its pages to shreds.  Especially because they spelled ‘cookie’ wrong.

What is this, Canada?

So here’s Kid A’s new bookshelf! It’s technically not finished. I just rigged it together for the purpose of this story. I still need to nail the back on (new piece of scrap plywood from Home Depot for 50 cents), and I think I want to put on a few coats of polyurethane to make it shiny and make sure it lasts.

Here are some close up details. Once again, please excuse my subpar photography skills. 

Subliminal messaging.

One of my favorite pages. I like the picture.
I have to be honest, it looked a lot cooler in my mind. I don’t hate how it came out, but I’m not super thrilled with it. It was a big pain in the ass, too. One of those projects that you regret starting almost immediately but you already mentally committed so you drag yourself through.

Now, onto the best part. You need to know just how crazy this book is. Just by looking at it in the store, I knew there would be some kick ass old school terminology in here. And sure enough, I got what I bargained for. First of all, the author of this book seemed to have some weird preoccupation with his mother and with kittens. I would say about 85% of the example sentences were crafted around one of the two, or both. It was weird. Also, this:

Well, jeez... that's... dark.

Oh. I, um... oh. Okay.
 So that’s it. Another Swag Ho Monday in the old-fashioned, mildly racist books!

1 comment:

  1. I love your blog!! Seriously, Buzzfeed needs to pick you up as a contributor.


let's get awkward!