Monday, August 12, 2013

Swag Ho Monday: This Jersey Shore Promotional Postcard Thing

A couple of months ago, my mom and I took a tour of the Jersey Shore house, because we're stronger than the storm. It was weird and I was kind of embarrassed, but we had fun and I won't act like I wasn't all kinds of excited to take a picture with that duck phone.

You know... this phone?

Cabs are here!

After the tour, I bought Kid A a ridiculous shirt from the Shore Store, because why not? My purchase came with this poorly made marketing postcard thing. At the time, I wasn't really sure what the point of it was. Little did I know, only a few short months in the future, its purpose would become crystal clear.

For once, it's not my awful photography skills making this blurry. The image quality was just that bad.

The front of the card shows a picture of the Jersey Shore cast looking comically serious. I'm thinking maybe it was supposed to be some kind of mafia thing. Or something. I don't know. It has one of those QR code things on it, which I'm convinced are just complete bullshit that was made up by some MBA in his stupid office with no windows in an effort to justify his useless job. Nobody really knows the point of them, but they just keep quiet because they don't want to look stupid in front of their other douchey MBA peers so everyone does this lame dance pretending like QR codes are the coolest technology of the future. Has anybody ever actually scanned a QR code? Be honest.

The back of the card has this lovely treasure map that takes you to the store where you got the card. Sooooooo, yeah. It also shows the location of some other store in case you want to walk a couple hundred feet and buy another tshirt and/or pierce something.

Thar be mildly offensive tshirts, mateys!

A couple of weeks passed and I forgot about the card. I was on my way to a friend’s birthday party. I was running late, as usual, because I made a million pounds of these tiny, delicious bourbon meatballs, and on my way down to the garage, this happened:

Most of them fell UNDER the stairs.

My rage was compounded by Kid A yelling “MA! You gonna clean up those meatballs?” from the top of the stairs as I was scooping up a few hours’ worth of work off the nasty floor and wiping the sticky sauce off the walls, trying to keep the profanities under my breath.

I did a pretty good job cleaning it up considering I was in a rush and I had a two year old heckling me the whole time.

Fast forward to today. Swag Ho Monday, and not a single swag of note to write about. I came across my coveted Jersey Shore Promotional Postcard Thing a few days ago. Over the last couple months I kept seeing it and kicking it under different pieces of furniture in my house. I knew deep down that I had to figure out its true purpose, but… how?

I thought about killing a bug with it. Bugs suck, right? But then I started to wonder about what I was becoming. What was I, some kind of monster? Am I really reducing myself to killing innocent creatures to get a cheap laugh? What is this, some kind of snuff blog? I was down in my basement when I had this revelation. I was about to give up and start looking for another piece of swag to review when I remembered seeing something gross a few weeks ago, acknowledging it, and then ignoring it like a slob.

A meatball! A petrified, slightly hairy meatball, sitting on the floor right next to the bottom basement step. EW, right? Who the hell wants to touch a gross old floor meatball? It was at that precise moment when the stars aligned and I realized the true destiny of the Jersey Shore Promotional Postcard Thing. It was time to clean house and stop being a disgusting slob in denial.

I took some action shots so you can feel like you were right there with me.

This one really is my crappy photography skills.

What would I do without you, Jersey Shore Promotional Postcard?

Bravo, cast of the Jersey Shore. Your finest performance yet! A million thank yous guys for being there for me in my time of need.



  2. Dude. Seriously. I'm trying not to pee myself here and you aren't helping.


let's get awkward!