Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Swag Ho Monday: Bleach Tablets, or How to Sanitize Lovey Blankets

Well, third time’s a charm. I’m late for this post, yet again. There's something you should know about me: I’m late for everything.

Late. Not pregnant.
There. Now that we've cleared that up, I would like to tell you about Clearon bleach tablets. But first, I would like to tell you about "The Guys."

Meet The Guys: Coonie, Smelly Ellie, and Moo
See, Kid A has these three lovey blanket things that he is always chewing on. He chews the corners, so they’re always smelly and brown. They're relatively clean in the photo above. At their worst, they have dark brown, crusty corners. Why is that awkward? Because for some reason, people love to touch these things. I don’t get it. People are constantly going, “Oh! Is this your little friend?” and reaching out to grab at them. And I get to watch them recoil in horror as they realize that it’s strangely wet, and they don’t know what kind of bodily fluid and/or mystery slime they just got all over their hands. Then I say, “It’s slobber. You're touching slobber. He chews on them,” and I laugh.
 
 
And MAN, do they smell. I wish I could appropriately convey in words the stink on these things. I guess the best way to describe it would be a dead animal floating in a pot of rotten cabbage soup. Left out in the sun for a week. In the crotch of an old hobo sitting in a subway station in July. The worst is when he leaves one or all three of them in my car on a hot summer day, and I open the car door and get blasted in the face with this thick stench. It’s really horrible, but he stuffs them up his nose and breathes them in. Everybody likes their own brand, eh?
 
Oh, this is magic! Hmmmm, wafting... wafting
Anyway, he sleeps with these things. They comfort him when he’s freaking out. He’s addicted to them – if you hand one to him when he’s in the middle of a tantrum, he stops, shoves it into his mouth, and you can actually see his eyes roll back. It’s bizarre and awesome to watch, and needless to say, The Guys are not going anywhere if I can help it. I’m so lucky there are three of them.
 
From L-R: just a day in the life of The Guys; Coonie on the Asbury Park boardwalk; Ellie taking in a show at Sesame Place; Coonie at Spaceship Earth in Epcot Center; Moo getting a good chew after a long day
For over two and a half years, I’ve been tirelessly searching for a better way to clean The Guys. I Google, I read, I experiment. I haven't found a safe way to kill the smell and effectively clean The Guys and keep them that way. I have a sanitizing option on my washing machine, but I’m not about to run it every single day for three small pieces of fabric. I use cloth paper towels, ferchristsake. I love the Earth too much for that shit. I won’t bleach them, because he chews on them. For that same reason, I’m not even really a fan of washing them at all in the washing machine. I just don’t like the thought of him ingesting detergent and fabric softener.
 
The Guys getting a bath in the sink. Check out that nice foggy water!
This is why, when I saw these Clearon Bleach Tablets, my mind went right to “Oh! Maybe I can wash The Guys with these!” The man who gave these to me was doing some kind of sales pitch, but I wasn’t listening to a word he said because I was running through Guys-washing scenarios in my head. I heard what I wanted to hear from him, which is probably not at all what he was saying. I heard the words “safe” and “everyday use” and that was it.
 
I was just about to try out my newest Guys-washing technique, when I realized that these are just bleach. In tablet form. Like the name says right on the bottle. If I had listened or maybe even read the package, or… I don’t know… paid attention to the freakin name of the product, I would have known that and I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. They just did a pretty good job of cleaning my smelly ass dishwasher, but what's good for your dishwasher is not always good for your child's intestines.
 
Don’t cry for me, though! I finally found a quick and easy way to disinfect The Guys that I can do every day. I disinfect my dish sponge in the microwave every so often, and it occurred to me as I was doing it one day that I could do the same for The Guys. I know! GENIUS!
 
I just rinse them really well and scrape off all the dried drool and food particles (the things we do for our kids, amirite?) Sometimes I’ll scrub them with a little baby shampoo if they’re particularly rank. Then I squeeze them out and throw them in the microwave for three minutes each on high.
 
Kid A says, "Ma, Ellie's for dinner?"
Let them dry outside or put them in the dryer and you are now the proud owner of disinfected lovey blankets! No more dead animal cabbage hobo crotch! Unless you’re like me and you get lazy and don’t do it every day. But that's on you.

1 comment:

  1. Have you thought about vinegar? Not the nasty itwillsmelllikeyoudouched vinegar, but I think white vinegar does not have much smell. I like to use vinegar as a cleaning products. If you want to get rid of the stank smell you could also try some safe essential oils? I have a niece and nephew who have blankies that are similarly stank.

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