Monday, September 30, 2013

Swag Ho Monday: Scunci Evolution No Slip Grip Hair Elastics From Hell®

When I was handed these Scunci Evolution No Slip Grip hair elastics, my exact reaction was “What is this, some kind of fucking joke?” Have you ever been in a pinch and had to use a rubber band as a hair tie? It sucks. 

According to their website, Scunci Evolution No Slip Grip hair elastics are “gentle to the hair.” (HAHAHA!) They “hold hair securely, gently, all day.” And then they never, ever let go.

The greatst invention since New Coke!
They’re made out of this rubbery silicone-ish material, and just by looking at them I could feel the hairs ripping out of my head. I don’t know if you can tell from these pictures, but these things were actually looking at my hair and drooling, just waiting to get their sticky rubber no slip grip on my fragile, innocent ponytail.

I wasn’t even about to try with these stupid things. I’d rather make my own hair tie out of a piece of chewed gum than put these elastics in my hair. I already have so much sad, broken hair around my face that this happens by the end of every day:

I believe I can fly
I’m not sure who would come up with such an evil torture device, but I’m guessing it was a dude. Some MBA turd with a bunch of ridiculous ideas he picked up in B-school. Well, keep your innovative solutions out of my hair, brah! No thank yoooooooou!

Since I’m like a depression era hoarder who can’t ever throw anything away – not even the world’s most ridiculous hair ties that cost me zero dollars – I had to find something to do with these. Since I’m always short on chip clips and I also have a tendency to stockpile bags of chips (seriously, my pantry is stuffed full of half eaten, stale bags of snacks), I figured they might make a good substitute for a rubber band. And guess, what, I was right!

Hair ties for fresh snacks? Ok.
I do not recommend purchasing these hair ties. Unless you know you're about to get into a cat fight in a bar. Then maybe you could wrap your hands in them to tip the hair pulling portion of the battle into your favor.
Oh, like you don't have a drawer like this.
But if for some reason you ever happen to come into possession of Scunci Evolution No Slip Grip hair elastics, just remember, they belong in your junk drawer, not your beauty products drawer.

1 comment:

  1. I totally feel you. I remember using bands like these to tie up my hair when I was younger and free (an illusion), but now that I use proper ponies to tie up my hair, I don't even put them in the junk drawer, they go straight to the dustbin.


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