Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Stop Accusing Me of Lying on Social Media!


We hear about it all the time. Social media makes you sad! People who use Facebook are xx% less happy than people who don’t use any social media! We’re all lying about our lives on the innernetz!

If you knew me solely from my presence on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, you might think I’m just a loud-mouthed asshole who has some kind of obsession with car dashboard thermometers whose life exists in some hipster universe that looks like it’s happening in the 70s. Filled with Cadbury Creme Eggs. (You’d be partially correct, I am a loud-mouthed asshole.) Maybe you’d think my kid is this comedic genius who does nothing but eat pineapple and rock out to Michael Jackson all day long.  

Last week I posted a picture on my Instagram account of Kid A at his swimming class. He swam all by himself, and he looked really cute doing it. So I took a picture of it and posted it. After swimming class, we went out to the parking lot, where he proceeded to completely lose his shit while I was trying to strap him into his car seat. Also, while he was doing that, he also was literally losing his shit, which meant that I had to change a poop diaper in my car in a parking lot, in 10 degree weather. I’ll spare you the irrelevant details, but the days leading up to that had been pretty craptacular for me for various reasons. That is why, when he launched himself at me, punched me in the face, and then grabbed my shoulders and headbutted me right in the eye like a god damn MMA fighter, I snapped.

I grabbed him, probably harder than I should have, and wrestled with him to try to force him into the car seat, all while screaming loudly in his face. If you were in the swim school parking lot in my town last Thursday between the hours of 11 a.m. and 12 p.m. you probably saw a vehicle there with completely fogged up windows and maybe you heard weird sounds coming from it. That’s because my child was huddled in the front under the steering wheel screaming and crying while I sat in the back seat, also sobbing. With a dirty diaper and a pile of used wipes balled up on the passenger seat. And I probably had some shit on my hands.

Honestly, does the fact that I didn’t consider running that moment through the Valencia filter and blasting it out to my social network make me a liar? When you’re having a really awful moment in your day, do you really want to stop and take a picture of it? I posted a picture of my kid swimming because I enjoyed that moment and I wanted to remember it. I did not post a picture of my car meltdown, because I did not enjoy that moment and I would rather forget it.

Sometimes it really is that simple. We need to stop overthinking social media. And guess what? I don't even feel bad about freaking out on my kid, because he was being a dick and he deserved it.