Thursday, April 24, 2014

Watch Out, Don Draper

I don't know if you know this, but I used to write advertising copy for a living. It's something I've always loved doing, even as a kid. I took the liberty of "designing" (using that term very loosely here, ha!) an ad using copy I wrote when I was in fifth grade.

Yes. I wrote copy for fun as a child. Call me, Crayola!


Sunday, April 20, 2014

Thoughts I Had at the Town-Sponsored Easter Egg Hunt

"Yay! An egg hunt! A FREE egg hunt! Reliving my childhood through my kid is my favorite thing!"

"I wonder why my parents never took me to any of these egg hunts when I was a kid?"

"Oh... I didn't realize this was a formal affair. I guess I should have maybe changed out of my pajamas. Everybody is really dressed up here! Oops. At least I brushed my teeth."

"Wow, look at all those eggs! Kid A is going to love this!"

"Holy shit that Easter Bunny is creepy looking."

"Better get Kid to the front of this crowd so he doesn't get trampled by all these bigger kids."

*whistle blows*

"RUN!!!!!!! RUN!" FUCKING RUN! GO! GOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMNIT, YOU'RE NOT RUNNING FAST ENOUGH! PICK UP AN EGG!"

"Hmmm. I think I might have just tripped someone's kid."

"Definitely elbowed a kid."
 
"Is anybody watching me? I look like a friggin idiot."

*2 minutes and 11 seconds after the whistle blows.....

"My poor kid got zero eggs. Not one."

"Ooooh! That kid isn't looking, maybe I can just take one of her eggs. She'll never know."

"Eh, the mom's watching me. I'd better not."

"Let's just stop at the store and get some candy on the way home."

"NEVER. AGAIN."

Kid A, dressed like a slob, not caring that he didn't get any eggs



Thursday, April 17, 2014

Throwback Thursday - The Test of Ultimate Coolness

Long before buzzfeed, hell, long before Al Gore graced us with the internetz, I was generating quizzes to help people correctly determine their self worth. Go ahead, take "The Cool Test (the test of ultimate coolness)" and find out if you're all that and a bag of chips or just a fart knocker.


The Cool Test

the test of ultimate coolness


1. Who are you a wanna-be of?
a) Jim Morrison
b) Eddie Vedder
c) Kirt Kabana
d) no one

2. Who's better, Beavis or Butthead?
a) Beavis
b) Butthead
c) they suck
d) they both are cool

3. What's your favorite color?
fill in the blank

4. Do you like Onyx or White Zombie or Danzig the best?

5. Name two songs of The Doors

6. Name three songs of Pearl Jam

7. What's one part of your body that you would pierce?

Results:

1-8 points
You're a nerd! You stupid wuss. You wouldn't know coolness if it flew up your butt! Try to be cooler. Think before you do ANYTHING!

9-16 points
You're ok - you could be cooler, much cooler. You may not be as cool as Jim Morrison and Eddie Vedder, but you're cooler than those stupid English guys on Z100.



18-23 points
You're really cool man, but you're probably not as cool as Kate and Becky. Anyway, no matter how high you score, you most likely will never be as cool as Jim Morrison.



Who's judging you???



This mad dope beeotch who wore her mom's sweater and cut her own bangs for picture day! Looking back, I'm not sure I had a handle on the whole scoring thing, since there doesn't seem to be any sort of scoring system attached. That being said, it's hard for me to tell whether or not "Kirt Kabana" was a red herring that my genius self threw in there to throw off all the posers, yo. Considering my apparent burning torch for Eddie Vedder and Jim Morrison, I'm going to give middle school me the benefit of the doubt. What does it matter, anyway? None of us will ever be as cool as Jim Morrison. The Lizard King.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Throwback Thursday, Literary Edition

I'm not sure if I have ever tried to convey to you people of the importance of never, ever throwing anything away. If I haven't, consider this your life lesson of the day. Don't do it. Keep everything.

Now that that's established, please, take a trip with me into the horrors of my 11-year-old mind. I was ridiculously excited to discover my old creative writing notebook from 6th grade. That excitement turned to sheer horror as I uncovered my past as junior Stephen King. The following is copied directly verbatim from said notebook.

Let's read, shall we?

Where are YOUR Parents?

     The weather was fair. Partly cloudy, it felt as if it were going to rain. Chris looked around. Today she would find something to do if it killed her. (Not figuratively speaking.) The sky clouded up even more. She got worried because she was at least a mile from home.
     
     Little drizzle drops fell on her face. "Oh oh," Chris thougt, "I'd better start heading home now"

     She started to jog. The harder she ran, the harder the rain fell. 
     
     She slowed to a fast walk. She thought she was right at her house then, but she could have been mistaken. All that was there were two large black bags with red sprayed all over them. Next to the bag was a narrow hole.

     She decided to give up and see what was in the hole. She'd look for her house when the rain stopped. 

     Chris lowered her body into the hole. It wasn't very long before she reached the bottom. A very odd looking couple appeared. They asked if she would stay the night. That's the last thing she'd remembered.

* * * * * * *

     When she woke up soft, brown dirt was all around her. Next to her were two bloody bodies. They were her parents. She screamed. But then, only the dead could her her WHATTHEHELLWHY WOULDANELEVENYEAROLDCHILDWRITESOMETHINGLIKETHIS? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?



As you can see, my teacher left a coment. "Very 'eerie'" she said. I think what she meant was "Somebody please call a priest or something."